When Self-Care Increases Your Anxiety
Self-care can be a wonderful thing. And it’s become an increasingly popular trend, especially as the conversation about mental health awareness and wellness has spread. If you have anxiety, it’s something which maybe has been recommended to you - by a friend, family, or a medical professional. Or you might have read a blog, listened to a podcast, or came across a social media post which espoused its many benefits.
Maybe you followed through, gave it a try, and it did help reduce your worry and stress. But maybe it didn’t really seem to do much. Or maybe it seemed to make things worse.
Is that even possible, you might wonder - can self-care actually increase your anxiety in certain cases? And if it does stress you out more, is it because you aren’t doing it right? Or maybe there’s something wrong with you?
Sometimes, Self-Care Actually Can Make Anxiety Worse (the secret you haven’t been told)
Anxiety is currently the most common mental health condition in the United States. It affects about 18.1% of the population in any given year. With so many people experiencing anxiety, it’s being talked about more and more frequently. And, as a result, anxiety advice is popping everywhere. From news articles to your social media feed to conversations amongst friends, self-care is being ever more popularized and it’s oftentimes touted to be a prescription that’s almost guaranteed to erase your worries and angst. Some suggest it is practically a cure-all elixir for your woes, be they physical or emotional or mental. As an added bonus, self-care is decidedly instagrammable, making it even more trendier to partake.
The truth is that self-care is beneficial. It can help - sometimes quite a lot.
But then there are times when the opposite occurs. There are times when self-care, which is supposed to be relaxing and good for you, fails. Not only does it not work, but it might even make you feel even worse. It can be quite troubling and upsetting if this happens to you. After all, you set out on a well-planned, highly recommended self-care mission, determined to up your calm, only to find yourself now feeling more stressed.
What the what?!?!?
If this has been your experience, there are a few reasons why you might be having this reaction. Also, know that you’re not alone - this is happening to other people, too. It does not mean anything is wrong with you. It does not mean self-care is bad. And yes, there are some changes you can make in order to have self-care be more effective for you.
Has Self-Care Become Another Worry Rather than a Relief ?
If you have anxiety, you might struggle with perfectionism. This doesn’t mean you do everything perfectly. Instead, it means you aspire to be successful, but your drive comes mostly from a fear of failure. You might believe all approval its conditional and that acceptance from others relies entirely on you being and behaving flawlessly. Perfectionism can be both a driver and a result of anxiety.
What does perfectionism have to do with self-care?
Perfectionism can turn into a huge barrier when it comes to genuine self-care. First, if you’re hyper concerned with accomplishment, it might be very challenging to slow down to tend to your well-being. After all, how can you people please and exceed everyone’s expectations if you’re wasting valuable time sitting in a corner meditating and breathing deeply?
Another problem is that perfectionists are often highly competitive. A hobby meant to help you unwind can quickly devolve into a battle to excel. For example, it becomes nearly impossible to relax during your yoga class when your sole focus is to do every single pose better than all your competitors (um, fellow classmates).
Are You Too Critical of Your Self-Care Efforts?
Another trait associated with anxiety is the tendency to be overly critical. You have a harsh inner critic. You have high expectations not only for yourself, but for other people, too.
How does this impede good, productive self-care?
For one, you’re apt to believe you shouldn’t indulge in self-care because you don’t deserve to. Your self-worth might be low. Therefore, you tell yourself “I’m not good enough for this.”
Or, you might begin ruminating over all the other things which you “should” be doing instead. A wave of guilt washes over you as you dwell on the important “to-do” list that you’re not getting to. You begin thinking “I should be working” or “I should be doing stuff for my kids.”
Perhaps, too, you get caught up in obsessing over doing your self-care “just right,” particularly when you start comparing your efforts to what everyone on social media is doing. It’s easy to forget that you’re looking at carefully curated and manipulated moments – and you unfortunately don’t remind yourself that Instagram really isn’t real life.
Perfectionism can turn into a huge barrier when it comes to genuine self-care. First, if you’re hyper concerned with accomplishment, it might be very challenging to slow down to tend to your well-being. After all, how can you people please and exceed everyone’s expectations if you’re wasting valuable time sitting in a corner meditating and breathing deeply?
You don’t need to document your self-care. It’s personal and private - nobody needs to know about it and, in fact, the need to show it off to the world can suck all the fun and relaxation out of it. You don’t want to contrast it against what anyone else is doing. You do you and let them do them. Your self-care can be messy and simple (remember, nobody needs to see it - it isn’t their business and you don’t need your quiet moments being judged). Or, it can be big and grand, if that’s what really feels right to you. It can be whatever you want and need it to be. No hashtags are required.
Self-Care for Anxiety Is Not One-Size-Fits-All
In practice, with my own clients, self-care is a frequent topic of discussion and it’s something I commonly recommend. It can be a wonderful adjunct to care and usually works quite well. When talking about self-care in counseling, clients and I will agree that it can be highly personalized and can take many forms. For one person it might mean going for a casual walk at the local park while enjoying the fresh air and the sounds of the birds. In another case, it might be buying a beautiful, fragrant bouquet of flowers and taking a luxuriously warm bath. And then, too, it could be as simple as slowing down for just a couple minutes to breathe deeply, or to enjoy a funny video clip, or to jot down a few items you’re grateful for in a gratitude journal.
No single self-care activity suits everyone. What regulates my stress and brings me enjoyment won’t necessarily be what meets your needs. This is an important point to take note of. You might, for example, have been led to believe that yoga and meditation are the number one perfect self-care options – and so you must do them. But, what if it just doesn’t suit your personality? Or, what if maybe it was your jam five years ago, yet now you’re just not into it? The key is to truly personalize your care. What do you enjoy? What makes you feel good? What’s fun and restful for you?
Part of self-care means stopping, first, to take inventory of who you are and reflecting on what things actually do bring you genuine peace and happiness. Your self-care routine does not need to look like anyone else’s. It’s all about meeting your needs – not the needs of some random person on the internet who told you about what they think is best.
Be mindful, too, of the fact that we all evolve and change. The things you do to care for and connect with yourself will inevitably change. Today, you love to knit socks. Next year, you might loathe knitting and prefer painting ceramics. Cool, that’s okay. Self-care is an ever changing process. It’s a journey.
Think ‘Connection’ Instead of ‘Care’
Self-care can escalate into an anxiety trigger when you worry that you’re being “too indulgent” or fret that your approach is “not enough.” If you continually find yourself getting stressed about completing self-care, if it has begun to feel like a chore you “must” and “should” do, or you think you efforts can’t compete with the influencers you follow online, then it could benefit you to shift your thinking and language a bit.
The key is to truly personalize your care. What do you enjoy? What makes you feel good? What’s fun and restful for you?
So, rather than adding self-care to your to-do list, which might feel burdensome, reframe and reconsider what it is you’re actually trying to accomplish. Maybe thinking “how can I connect to myself better” instead of “what elaborate, planned activity do I have to perform” might feel better for you. Because connecting to yourself doesn’t have to be an event, it could just mean sitting quietly by yourself for a few minutes to clear your mind.
Think Beyond Self-Care
Another issue with self-care is that it has been held up to be a sort of panacea. Yes, self-care can bring you pleasure. But you’re not getting to the root of your anxiety when you perform self-care activities.
And so, keeping this in mind, you might find yourself getting increasingly frustrated over time when your self-care efforts aren’t fixing your anxiety. Well, yes, of course your efforts aren’t fixing it – because self-care, while it helps, doesn’t actually ever resolve the underlying concerns which are fueling your anxiety. Self-care doesn’t change how you think or act. It’s too simplified.
Essentially, it’s going to take more than a long walk or a movie night to manage your anxiety.
Self-care activities are valuable additions to your life. I believe incorporating a self-care routine is vital to overall well-being. Not because you “have” to or “should.” But because you enjoy what you’re doing, it’s meaningful to you, and it adds to your life. If what you’re doing doesn’t check any of those boxes, it’s okay to leave that thing behind and find something new. At that point, it really isn’t care, it’s a burden - and it’s no wonder that it is making you feel anxious.
Self-care really ought to feel good. It it doesn’t, consider why. Is the activity itself a poor fit? Is it the way you’re thinking about self-care in general? All of this is stuff you can work on in counseling with a licensed mental health counselor. Together, we can work on exploring whether or not your thinking is overly black-and-white and is inhibiting your ability to rest. We can also work on coming up with the self-care tools which are a better fit for you.