Committing to Marriage Vows and Why It Matters

When it comes to marital vows you are essentially saying “I am not leaving. Ever. No matter what.”  The ships are burned. The exits are eliminated. We are in this together and forever. So, we are going to work out whatever problems we might have. This is actually what marriage is supposed to look like. And it ends up being a safe, beautiful, satisfying space over time.

True dedication to your marriage vows actually introduces an unbelievable level of freedom and security into both of your lives. Now, having really meant what you vowed, you cannot simply wake up one day to say “whenever you show me a flaw, or do something I don’t like very much, or disagree with me, I am out of here.” To live in that type of relationship, where someone will take off for any reason and perhaps unexpectedly, ultimately will create tremendous levels of fear and insecurity. You end up living on the edge. Your partner in life could abandon you at any given moment and for nearly any reason. Where is the peace and contentment in that? Is that truly how you want to live your life? What ends up happening when you believe that leaving is okay is that you essentially commit to being disingenuous in your marriage. Because how can you really be your genuine self if this person is okay with just taking off on a whim? You must always be on guard.

Having an exit strategy is the opposite of freedom

If divorce is an option in your relationship, then what happens is that you must present a carefully curated façade which you hope will appease them. It goes both ways. Ultimately, neither of you can relax and be your true selves. You thus never develop the deep, intimate relationship which is intended to form within a marriage. You become like a scared cat. You must walk on eggshells. How satisfying is this? How is this any way to live? “I can’t depend on you to not leave me at any moment.” What an awful way to go about your days. How does this ever create any joy within you? You can’t rely on anyone.

You can’t actually rely on yourself either because what you are doing is making a promise that isn’t really a promise since it includes an exception clause. Nobody can actually trust you yourself because you are telling them “I will only stay until you upset me.” What kind of relationship are you creating when you basically let the other person know you might bail on them at some point? Is that really what you want? They will never be themselves with you because you have given them the message that truth is never okay.

If you never mean what you promise, how can anything or anyone be trusted? Words become entirely meaningless. And if you truly cannot keep the vow, then it might be better to never marry to begin with. Making a sacred commitment to another person only to eventually turn around and break that promise can potentially destroy and ruin them. Breaking apart a marriage is unbelievably painful, particularly if it is something you are not choosing and the decision if being forced upon you. So, then, be sure you understand marriage first before entering into it lest you be the one responsible for causing others irreparable harm. It isn’t to be take lightly.

Being with someone who feels divorce is an option is signing up for a jail sentence. It is not freeing at all. It is a life of “this person could take off at any moment.” To be with someone who thinks divorce is okay is to join your life with a person who does not understand marriage, does not comprehend what unconditional agape love is, does not want to problem solve, and who essentially is admitting they cannot be depended upon. If they have already divorced someone else, then you have clear evidence – this is a person who won’t stay in the game with you when things don’t go their way or when life gets hard (and wow does life get challenging at times!).

Integrity means words and actions must align

Here then is a critical point to keep in mind – behaviors and actions speak louder than words. A person can say anything. In this case, they might blame their ex and say that you will certainly be different, that they genuinely will commit to you and this time they mean it. But wait! How can you be so confident in that? After all, they told the other person that, too. They made a sacred vow and a sacramental covenant with that person. They were all in, until suddenly they weren’t. They made a promise to God Himself – which they’ve broken.

(Please note that this does not apply to people who have had a divorce forced upon them against their will. In such situations, you perhaps want to be even more cautious in dealing with the individual who filed - they had a spouse willing to fight for them and the marriage, however they still stubbornly refused to make efforts. It could be a red flag and you want to proceed with care. Make note that this staunch stance of not being willing to work things out will likely unfortunately be directed towards you at some point - it would perhaps be foolish to convince yourself in believing otherwise. People tend to repeat patterns and what they have done with one person they will tend to do in future relationships. Marriage ultimately is about becoming less selfish and learning to compromise - is that person willing to do that?)

If they made a vow and broke it once, what is to stop them from doing it again? You might say “well, they gave me their word.” Yet, hold on – how reliable is their word? They gave their first spouse their word, too, and look at how faithfully they stood by that. You might argue “well I am not like their ex.” True, but at some point a different difficulty will arise because such is the way of life - and this person has demonstrated an inability and unwillingness to keep a vow. They have shown you already that they will not stick by a person when there are troubles. Will you really be different? Or are you putting on blinders? Consider that the failure rate of second marriages is much higher - upwards of 70% fail.

With the marriage vow we are each admitting that we are flawed, and there will be difficulties. We are telling the other person “I know you’re a mess and you’re human. Me too. But we will never give up on each other.” You commit to “worse” because you supposedly know it’s possible. And surely, it does often eventually come along.

The alternative to ‘faithfulness no matter what’ is to live a life where anything is changeable at any moment and there is nothing and nobody you can fully rely on. Ugh, not good at all! Who wants that?

Marriage vows means you are committed to getting better at solving problems

Consider that, if you cannot run away, then you can actually solve your problems. Marriage comes with problems. Life comes with problems. That is reality. And you cannot escape it. But you can stand your ground and you can grow, develop, and evolve. All problems in a marriage can be solved. All of them. Even major things such as addiction, abuse, and infidelity. No problem is too big. So the bigness of the issue is still no reason to run.

If you keep the back door open so that you can run, you are going to spend the entirety of your life running. Because every relationship will present a problem at some point. There is simply no way of avoiding it. Hard things happen. Life gets difficult. People are messy and they make mistakes. You will always marry a flawed human. But . . . you are flawed too! Someone must tolerate your flaws, shortcomings, moods, etc. as well. Every relationship starts off with magic. But the harsh reality is that hardships will eventually catch up with you. Will you just keep running? This “freedom” of being able to bail whenever you feel like it is really the definition of enslavement.

Freedom is knowing “this is my person, and I am theirs, and neither of us is going anywhere. Ever. We are in it together and we will solve all problems no matter how big or small.”

There will be lots of problems to solve in marriage. And more than anything, you want someone who will stay in the fight. You yourself need to be committed to remaining in place. Running never brings happiness. Sticking it out makes you and the marriage stronger.

Knowing someone will stand by you no matter what - that is a gift and a blessing you should never take for granted. If you marry a person who truly remains faithful to their vow, don’t take that for granted. It is rare. And it is a gift. Be that person yourself, too. It will be well worth it when you know you can rely on someone always and they will still be there with you decades later. This is something that can’t be bought. If you have it, hang on tight to it.