Trauma and the Impact on Emotional Intimacy

If you have experienced trauma in your life, then it could mean you have never experienced real intimacy. This is because trauma rewires and reshapes the brain to view connection and closeness as threatening. The brain, having navigated difficulties in the past which felt very overwhelming, begins to prioritize safety and survival over making efforts to connect with others. The brain begins to view closeness as far too risky.

Emotional intimacy is about feeling loved simply for who you are. It is not based on what you do or what you might have to offer. It means knowing that you are able to freely share your genuine thoughts and fears. You can be who you authentically are. You will expect acceptance and respect, as opposed to living in a constant state of insecurity. You know you are safe, and you do not consistently worry about being rejected, judged, or abandoned.

Unfortunately, some individuals grew up around people and in environments where they discovered showing emotion equated to pain and rejection. They learned that their emotions didn’t seem to matter. Love was conditional. Acceptance was not automatic. There were always strings attached. They found that it was not safe to be vulnerable. The brain learned it needed to pull away in order to protect you.

Your brain suddenly had one primary objective above all else: to scan the world around you for signs of possible danger.

Your brain began expecting problems, thus making it harder for you to relax or to build trust. Your brain perhaps determined that the expression of emotion resulted in pain. And so now, your feelings are dampened and nearly entirely shut off. It’s simply safer that way. At least, that is what your brain now believes. But as emotions are tuned down, it gets harder and harder to connect with others on anything but a very superficial level.

The good news is that your brain is using what it has learned to keep you safe. It works! The not-so-great news is that your brain has really gone a bit overboard and now even a perceived threat (rather than an actual one) triggers you to withdraw and shut down, which will inevitably keep you from getting the closeness you might desperately desire.

But change is possible, and healing can happen. It will be a long, slow journey. It will require small steps. You will want to have grace and patience for yourself.

The first thing to try is to see if you can identify people in your life right now whom you trust and respect. Begin with them. Begin by taking small steps towards connecting with them. Share some thoughts and feelings. Assess how they respond.

Consider journaling. Take time to sit quietly and process things. Try to notice what you feel about experiences and people in your life. Identify some of the emotions you have. There are many journaling prompts online, and you might find it helpful to use some of them to give you a bit of direction.

Keep in mind that the process of healing and becoming more at ease with closeness will potentially be a bit uncomfortable at times. Anything new will sometimes feel awkward and challenging. Also, too, be aware that any discomfort which might come up is a sign that your brain being rewired in an entirely new way – and so that bit of unease you may notice is merely some wiring being shifted about.