How Do You Help Someone Who Is Grieving?

Grief can result from a variety of different circumstances in life. Traditionally, many people have associated it with death. Yet, this is a limited view because, in reality, people can experience grief due to many other situations and other losses.

One thing about grief that tends to be problematic, no matter what the cause of the grief might be, involves support.

If you have experienced grief, you unfortunately may have already observed that people show up in ways that can make things worse (for example, they offered empty clichés which exacerbated your pain), or they simply failed to show up at all.

If you know someone who is going through grief, a sort of paralysis can take effect and you maybe didn’t know what to say and/or you couldn’t figure out anything to do. Upon failing to come up with the perfect statement to offer, and then also coming up blank in terms of the most appropriate gesture, many individuals (and perhaps you might be guilty of this) simply withdraw from the person who is grieving. It’s certainly an option but, as you might expect, it is less than ideal.

So, what then? If you know someone is enduring a period of grieving, how do you respond? First, know that there is no perfect response. But there are some general things which can be helpful.

Keep in mind that you cannot fix this.

Many people view grief as a problem and thus they feel the need to come up with a solution. Grief is not a problem. Therefore, you won’t be able to solve it. It is a normal human emotion and reaction. If you are attempting to come up with some way to make the pain of this go away recognize that this is simply not possible.

Don’t offer empty promises.

You might be tempted to tell the person who is grieving that things will get better. It sounds nice. You’re trying to encourage them. But you do not know the future. And the grieving person is perhaps more aware than ever of this – the future is entirely unknown. What is ahead may or may not be better. Avoid making random guesses and throwing out platitudes. Stay out of the future and sit with them in the present. Is that hard? Yes. Pain is painful.

Don’t tell them to do it differently.

Everyone comes in with suggestions and advice. There is no “right” way to grieve. You cannot know what they should do. And you should not try to direct them in how they ought to feel. Would grieving look the same for you? You cannot know and hopefully you won’t ever have to find out. We all grieve in our own way. Allow the grieving person to be on whatever path they are on right now.

Know that pain is messy, uncomfortable, and hard to witness.

It’s why so many people want to just grasp onto anything they can to make it go away for someone. But again – you cannot solve grief and magically make it end. Prepare yourself to be with someone who is struggling deeply. Prepare to sit with what feels unbearable. It won’t feel good and it may be challenging for you.

Leave your ego at home.

Show up and make it all about them. Know that the person who is grieving cannot support you right now. You might experience challenging emotions during the process, but this person cannot be there for you. In fact, expect them to make you feel ignored and unappreciated. You might need to find other people to lean into. When someone is deep in grief, they cannot hold up their end of the relationship. Don’t take it personally and certainly avoid trying to hold them accountable for it.

Don’t tell them to let you know what they need.

You think it’s helpful, but they do not have the capacity to figure this out or follow up with you. You will not hear from them, and it won’t be because they are doing well and have no needs. In a place of deep grief, the brain and body shut down. Identifying a need and then reaching out to get it met will most likely be beyond their capacity. Instead, make offers and then follow through. Tell them you will be over each afternoon to feed the cat or walk the dog. Let them know you will be coming over to take the trash out.

Be reliable. Show Love.

During grief, abandonment is far too common. Many friends and family are nowhere to be found. Don’t be that person. Keep showing up. Again, don’t wait to be asked – expect to not be asked. You will help by showing the person that someone does actually care and can be depended upon. Let them know you are there and bring love with you.